Baker: Christmas Kaleidoscope

SHOPPING: What should we get for Uncle Impossible? Where can we find that widget Dad wants? We’re blowing the budget, Marion! But, John, it adds up; we have so many to buy for! Where did I hide Mildred’s gift? I’ve torn this house apart and I can’t find it. I know it’s here somewhere. How could I draw Grinella’s name AGAIN for the family gift exchange? She hates everything, and I’ve picked her name six years in a row. I think it’s a conspiracy.  

No, honey, I’m afraid we can’t afford to get Grandma a Jaguar…besides, she’s half blind and doesn’t know how to drive. What on earth should I get for Bob’s girlfriend? It has to be something special, but not too special; what if they break up? I’m sure Mrs. Snippit will love the Taylor Swift doll, dear. All teachers do. 

It’s just maddening! I’ve been shopping for hours on end, every day for three weeks, agonizing over every choice, and there HE goes, on December 24th, to buy everything on his list…in two hours flat! How do guys do it?  And why can’t we?

What do you mean, they’re out of peppermint extract? I asked you to get red candles, not orange- striped!  What does little Grizelda want? Is she still into stuffies? If that car would just move forward three inches, I could get in the turn lane.   

BAKING:  Oh gosh, how could I have forgotten to buy the vanilla? Get your hands off those cookies or there won’t be any left for Christmas! No, I didn’t realize you were allergic to nuts. I KNOW your mother always used anise in her cookies, but MY mother didn’t! Just pick it up and wipe it off. Dust is the secret ingredient in all the best cookies. Of course, sweetie, I remember! I DID promise to construct a gingerbread house with you before bedtime.

WRAPPING: Twenty-five bows on one package? I’m sure Mommy will love it! John, what happened to all those stick-on bows I just bought? There were at least 25 of them here this morning. The tape! Where the heck is the tape? Did somebody take the scissors? No, honey, you can’t put that ribbon around Kitty’s neck. It does look nice, but Kitty is not happy. Kitty does not really enjoy helping to wrap presents. Kitty is about to slash you with her little paw. 

DÉCOR: Quick! Where’s my “Martha Stewart doesn’t live here” disclaimer to post by the front door? This place looks like something out of “Christmas Wreckage” magazine. No, sweetie, we can’t hang your fire truck on the tree. The tinsel is crooked; pull that one part up a little. Oh, no, the tree stand must have leaked. Everything is soaked…where is the puppy, by the way? I don’t care if you ARE 35 years old, you still need to hang the ornaments you made in nursery school. It’s tradition! Can somebody please lose that ratty old Santa? He looks like he’s been run over by a herd of naughty reindeer.  

You call this a tree, Mom? It’s only 10 feet tall! I can remember when I was little we always got big trees, man-size trees! But honey, you were much smaller then. The tree just seemed bigger. The lights all worked a minute ago; how can they burn out just as we’re stringing them on the tree? What was that electrical, crackling sound? By the way, did anyone remember to change the smoke alarm batteries?

All right, who put the Barbie in the Nativity scene? Uh, no, I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t collect Barbie dolls. And it’s already rather crowded in the stable. I mean, we have Jesus, Mary and Joseph.  And the angels and shepherds. And the snowman. And the ox and lamb. And the twirling, musical Santa. And the Spider Man doll has really got to go.

CHRISTMAS CAROLS: You’d better watch out, you’d better not shout, I’ll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams. Oh come, all ye faithful, up on the housetop with old St. Nick. Rudolph, the red-nosed…get out of the eggnog, Rudy! Noel, deck the halls with help from Holly. We three kings…should have asked for directions. Jingle bells, Batman…(never mind).

LOVE AND PEACE: Today, we find ourselves smack dab in the midst of the holiday season. Again. My wish for you is a few quiet moments here and there, a chance to reflect on the message of peace symbolized by a baby in a manger. Embrace the comfort and joy, the beauty and hope that are the lasting gifts of Christmas. Give your heart to those you love (and to those you don’t), wrapped up with a bow. Enjoy the presence of those you love (whether you liked their presents or not), and let everything else fade into a festive, multi-colored blur. God bless us, every one!